


Private Emotion

by cestlavieminako



Category: Kamen Rider Kuuga
Genre: M/M, mmm episode 47 angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25004728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cestlavieminako/pseuds/cestlavieminako
Summary: I've been wanting to write something dealing with episode 47, and that battle with Daguva that they only showed in a series of flashbacks, and everything Godai must have been struggling with during and after the fight.
Relationships: Godai Yuusuke/Ichijou Kaoru
Comments: 12
Kudos: 17





	Private Emotion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PockySquirrel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PockySquirrel/gifts).



> I've been wanting to write something dealing with episode 47, and that battle with Daguva that they only showed in a series of flashbacks, and everything Godai must have been struggling with during and after the fight.

Everything was burning.

Every _one_ was burning.

With each new fire that sprung from Daguva’s fingers, chilling laughter rolled across the carnage. It might not have been the largest mass murder a Grongi had committed, but surely it was one of the most brutal. The screams of those who were trapped in their vehicles as they went up in flame, very alive and aware and unable to escape. Even _children_ ; Godai had seen some vehicles with families in them, most likely trying to evacuate the area, or perhaps they had been blissfully unaware of what was happening as they were heading home after an evening out.

Daguva was strong. He was on a whole different level from the other Grongi that Godai had fought up until now. He batted Kuuga’s attacks away with the same effort one would use to swat a mosquito. He simply could not stop this monster from continuing his killing spree.

And then, one strike had hit the belt, directly on the Amadam, and an alarming sound seemed crystal clear over everything else that was happening. 

The sound of a crack.

His transformation dropped, but not before Godai had seen a series of spiderwebbed cracks across the belt.

_No..!_

He tried to transform again, feeling his breathing quicken when nothing happened. This couldn’t be happening. Not now, not when it was absolutely imperative that Kuuga be there to fight this madman! The Amadam had done so many miraculous things since he’d taken up the mantle of Kuuga…surely it would repair itself. Of course it would. It _had_ to.

Daguva seemed uninterested in fighting someone so much weaker than he, and he vanished, leaving Godai curled up on the ground, the fires around him finally beginning to die down, the smell of charred flesh and burned metal thick in the air around him.

He heard Ichijou’s cruiser squeal to a stop, felt the other man’s hands on his shoulders, a panicked voice shouting his name.

All he could think were words of gratitude, that Ichijou had not been present during that battle. If Daguva had turned his attacks on him, if Godai had been forced to watch Ichijou burn alive in front of him…

If that had happened, there would have been no coming back. He’d felt that warrior with the black armor hovering so close to the forefront of his thoughts, as if just waiting for Godai to call upon his power, to lay waste to whoever stood in his way.

That thought was too much for him, and Godai felt himself being drawn into unconsciousness. 

“Godai!”

*

An x-ray confirmed that the Amadam was indeed damaged, but—thankfully—it was healing. The only problem was, it was healing slowly. It seemed that its power was strongest when it was healing Godai, but healing itself? That was trickier, but it was trying its best. It was focusing all of its power on that repair, so Godai’s own wounds went untended. Somehow, he’d managed to come away from things relatively unscathed. The worst he had were some bruised ribs, and an assortment of bruises, cuts, and scrapes. Compared to some of the damage he’d taken in the past, it was nothing.

Ichijou had insisted on bringing him to his own apartment, since it was closer, so he could rest. Tsubaki had advised against Godai trying to transform for…well, as long as he possibly could. And since his last attempt had yielded no results, Godai had agreed without protest. He wanted to give the Amadam time to do its work, praying that there would be enough time for it to heal before Daguva returned.

Godai didn’t want to think about what would happen if he went into battle with the belt damaged. What if it was destroyed? Would he die as well? If the belt had changed him to be so similar to the Grongi, would its destruction be akin to him defeating the earlier ones, whose ornamental belts had cracked after he’d delivered his kick attack, leading to their demise? Would…would that happen to him? The Amadam and belt were so tightly connected to his nervous system now, they were parts of him. Even if he didn’t explode in a fiery ball, there was a good possibility he’d simply die, or wind up in a vegetative state for the rest of his days.

Godai didn’t want to dwell on those thoughts.

He’d not felt fear like this in any of his past battles. He had been afraid, certainly, especially in the beginning. The first transformation had been equal parts terrifying and invigorating. Nearly dying from Number 26’s pollen had been frightening, certainly. Some of the fights had been intense, some of them had led to sudden, unexpected wounds (vicious Grongi taking bites out of his flesh, the harpoon that had fixed him to a wall), but they’d all healed quickly. 

Now, he wondered if there was a chance that he could actually win. Could he defeat Daguva and finally _end_ this madness, before more innocent lives were lost? Would he be able to do so without employing that form, the one that had been called the harbinger of ultimate darkness? If he had to take up that power, could he control it? Could he stay Godai Yusuke, and not lose himself?

Ichijou could tell that Godai was wrestling with his thoughts, and did not interrupt him. He knew it would be foolish to ask how Godai was doing. Of course he wasn’t anywhere remotely near all right, not after witnessing so many deaths. Ichijou had gotten there well after the fact, but…god, there’d been so many lives lost. They’d still been tallying up the casualties when he’d left, feeling as though he’d never get the smell of smoke and dead bodies out of his nostrils or clothing. It had to be even more hellish for Godai. He had been _there_ , had seen it all happening before him.

They were silent as Ichijou ushered Godai into his apartment. Godai sank onto Ichijou’s couch, pressing a hand against his ribs, still looking lost in thought.

Then, abruptly, Godai asked Ichijou if he would get his backpack from Pole Pole. It had been such an odd request that Ichijou had hesitated. Would he leave on this errand and come back to find Godai gone? Godai…wouldn’t do anything drastic, would he?

As if reading all of those thoughts from Ichijou’s face, Godai quickly added, “There are some things I need from it, and…I don’t know that I can handle a motorcycle ride right now. Or try to act normal around anyone else.”

Ichijou nodded slowly. That made sense. Godai was hurting, mentally and physically. “I’ll swing by and get it for you. Make yourself comfortable…I shouldn’t be too long.”

Godai nodded, then seemed to slip back into his thoughts.

*

Ichijou was thankful that the restaurant was busy enough that he was able to ask after Godai’s backpack, and was waved upstairs without much question. He hadn’t wanted to get caught up in a conversation that he’d have to tactfully escape from; he wanted to get back to his apartment as fast as possible. He knew he wouldn’t relax until he set eyes on Godai again.

He admitted, once he returned and didn’t see Godai on the couch, he panicked for a brief moment, before reminding himself that Godai’s boots had been sitting near the door. He had to still be in the apartment.

It took some searching before Ichijou found Godai sprawled across his bed, sound asleep, and he breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Good. He needed rest.

Then a soft sound echoed in the room, and Ichijou saw Godai’s features twist slightly, from whatever he was seeing in his dreams. Ichijou suspected it was the horrors he’d beheld earlier; he’d seen plenty of awful things in his years as a detective, and some of them had definitely returned for an encore performance in his nightmares.

He crossed the room, reaching out to touch Godai’s shoulder, hoping to rouse him from his dream before it became too terrible.

The next thing he knew, Godai’s hand was grabbing a handful of his shirt, and the room spun as he was slammed onto his back on the mattress.

_Idiot!_ Ichijou chided himself. Godai must have thought he was one of the unseen horrors from his dream, and although Godai’s eyes were open, it didn’t look as though he were truly awake.

Godai’s hands moved to his waist, and Ichijou noticed the movement from when Godai was about to transform into Kuuga, and his eyes widened.

“Godai Yusuke!”

Ichijou’s voice echoed in the room, and Godai blinked once, twice, awareness slowly flooding across his face. “Ichijou-san..?” he looked as though he wanted to ask why Ichijou was on the bed as well, why Godai was looming over him, but the answer seemed to come to him quite quickly, and Ichijou watched the color drain from his face. “I…what was I...?”

“It was my fault,” Ichijou quickly interjected. “I was trying to wake you, and you were having a nightmare. It’s not surprising that it startled you.”

“I could have hurt you,” Godai breathed. “Accidentally _killed_ you. I was so thankful that you hadn’t been caught up in Daguva’s rampage, but I could have…”

Godai’s words were cut off when Ichijou reached out, taking his face in his hands, and dragged him down into an intense, rather sloppy kiss. He couldn’t bear to see Godai like this!

After a moment, he heard something like a sob echo in Godai’s throat, before he deepened the kiss, trying to pull Ichijou closer, his hands moving across whatever part of his body was closest.

It was surprising, after all they’d been through, after all this time, that they hadn’t taken this step. Ichijou wished it could have been at a different time, under different circumstances. 

It felt as if they were saying goodbye to each other.

*

When Ichijou woke much later, he was alone, and his heart clenched in his chest.

But…no, he heard the shower running. A soft sigh of relief left his lips, and he sat up, rubbing the heels of his hands over his eyes. 

A short time later, he heard the bathroom door open, and he looked up as Godai stepped into the room. He had on those leather pants he’d been wearing when they’d first met, and that alone worried Ichijou. He hadn’t worn those in months, and he’d referred to them as his ‘traveling pants’, since he'd said they were best for long motorcycle rides while he was on his adventures. 

But what really made Ichijou give pause was the shirt Godai had on. He was fairly certain it was one of his, that he’d packed for some reason or another when he’d come to Tokyo to be part of the task force. He couldn’t recall ever wearing it before. But on Godai, it looked…

Perfect.

Godai flushed under Ichijou’s gaze. “I hope you don’t mind me borrowing this. I…I’m…” He trailed off, taking a deep breath. “Ichijou-san…I’m going to do it.”

It took a moment before the meaning of his words made sense, and Ichijou sucked in a sharp breath. “You’re going to become that warrior, then?”

Godai nodded. “I feel like…there’s not much choice. I might be able to stand a chance against Daguva then. You weren’t there to see what he could do.” Godai closed his eyes, then shook his head, opening them again. “I need your help, though.”

“Of course,” Ichijou replied without hesitation. 

A relieved smile crossed Godai’s lips, and he ran his hands self-consciously across the sweater. “This helps me feel…warm. Grounded. Like it can help me stay _me_. And…it makes me think of Ichijou-san.”

“Godai…”

“Today…the Amadam is still healing, I’m sure. I want to go and see everyone. Just…in case things don’t go the way I’d like them to…I want to tell them I’m going on an adventure after this is all over. That way, if the worst happens, they won’t know.”

“It won’t.”

“It _could_ ,” Godai said, gently. “I’m going to do everything I can to keep it from coming to that, though. I mean, I don’t want to die, or lose myself. But if I need to be stopped…Ichijou-san…I want you to be the one. Anyone else might hesitate. And…even after this…I don’t think you will. I can trust you to do what needs to be done.”

“I pray it won’t come to that,” Ichijou murmured.

The mattress shifted slightly as Godai sat beside Ichijou, and wrapped his arms around him. “So do I. But…I just want to say…thank you. And I love you.”

Their lips met, and then Godai was gone, asking that Ichijou not contact him unless he were desperately needed, or if Daguva had reemerged. He wanted to give the Amadam more time to heal and strengthen itself, and he needed to conserve his strength. And he needed to see so many people.

Outside, the heavens opened, and rain began to pour down.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday, Pocky! I hope you enjoyed the sweater content. :3


End file.
